Monday, April 20, 2009

The big 3 ohhh!

As another year passes by and another birthday looms around the corner I'm reminded yet again that I'm getting old! If you know me you will know I have issues with aging.
I have been 28 for quite some time now (several years in fact), but its now obvious I'm not 28, so 30 is the new 28!!

So how is old age treating me, well I have several health issues I need to see a Doctor to get sorted (I don't like Doctors), I'm getting a beer belly (need to exercise, I know), I'm grey (being that since I was 15, keep shaving head to hide it), my body aches more now than it ever has (again exercise), I have mental health issues (baggage that still haunts me and I cannot cut it free) but nothing that serious, I guess.

I am the kind of person who has all the answers for everyone else and will be there to help anyone in anyway I can, but I have no answers for myself and hardly ever ask for help. Why? Well, I have been looking out for myself and others all my life, really its true.

As a child my family life was abusive and disruptive and I became 'the man of the house' at around 7/8 years of age, having to look after myself my brother (punch) and mother. My life was VERY unstable and afforded me little comfort by making friends, as we would continually move from place to place.
I was born in Stoke on Trent but I have lived almost all over the middle of England; from Manchester to London. I never really had what you would call a 'childhood', sure I played games with other kids and had a few friends but it was always taken away just when it got comfortable, so I learnt to build defences and hardly ever really gotten close to anyone to make friends - at least something I couldn't walk away from at a moments notice.

I find it hard to trust people or really open up and share my inner thoughts, this has led to problems of it's own of course. Also I still have unresolved issues personal ones and emotional ones, and I don't think they will ever be sorted.

Several years ago I sat down and started to write a book about my life - this was before all these horror stories of peoples childhoods had came out. I had done lots of work but struggled with the time line, it's hard to remember exactly when things happened when you were a child, anyway it was all saved on my computer. I went to work and when I was gone the water tank burst and blew up my computer and I lost all the data. That was the end of that, at least it was cathatic I guessed.
Then around 6 months later whilst I was shopping in Tesco I picked up a book A CHILD CALLED IT; I had never heard of it before, it just stood out for some reason.
Anyway when I read it I was horrified to see it was my story; well very nearly! There of course were differences but it was SO similar it was frightening. I read the second and third book which bared no similarity to my life at all, but it was good to know that Dave turned well in the end; there was hope for me yet.

I wonder will China actually contact me this birthday, I haven't herad from her and I miss her SO much and want to say so much to her, but I cant.
Just know you are always in my thoughts Chinagirl.

I feel that I have not made the impact on the world I was wanting to and I've not accomplished all I wanted; yet the strange thing is, I don't know what it is I want to accomplish?!


Xanadu said...

Oh, my friend, 30 isn't old. You've barely started living your life. You have lots ahead of you. You still can make an impact on the world. I didn't start 'accomplishing' things to my liking until I was at least 40. I'm almost 54, and I am still striving for that ultimate "impact on the world" thing. Now, be good, and tell me when the actual birthday is. ;-) Hugs.

Unknown said...

May 4th is all you need know ;)

told you I had issues, lol

Em said...

Old? Hah?! OK, here's the thing(s):

- Having health issues reminds you you're alive
- The beer belly shows you know how to have a good time
- Grey hair - it's still hair!
- Mental health issues prove you still have a brain, a consciousness and have feelings
- Aching is evidence that you've done something, whatever it was

From my (relatively!) stable upbringing, I won't have the audacity to comment on yours.

But you are who you are now - right now, not yesterday, not 10 years ago and not however many years ago you might actually have been born ;-)

As for now - if you'd worked out what you actually wanted to accomplish, you'd be doing a whole lot better than anyone else I know. In fact, working that out would be the major lifelong accomplishment for most people!

Most of us are guilty of having all the answers to everyone else's problems and not our own - but that's why asking for help can and does work.

Take my word for it - you may not have made an impact on the planet, but I promise you've made one on a hell of a lot of its inhabitants!

And rather a lot of those people love you to bits, whether you believe or like it or not!

Lou said...

Great blog - just had a good snoop around. Love the photos, your (?) girls are beautiful.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Unknown said...

THANK YOU for making a difference in my life!

Thank you for sharing your life and your thoughts with us.

Never deny where you come from. It's our experiences that make us strong and makes us better people. Be grateful for that.

China is and always will be your daughter. Whatever the reasons are for her absence in your life is not in her control. She will come back to you. Just believe that!

You touch peoples lives every day and you are a great example of a positive attitude. You are true and authentic and that is what is important.

30 is a blessing and it gets even better.

God Bless


Unknown said...

WOW!! Thank you all for such nice comments - I cant help but be happy when told such wonderful things.

ok, big deep breathe.... ....Im 35, this year!
I told you I had been 28 for several years.
Maybe its not so bad afterall.

Amy said...

Today is my birthday. I am 32 and that's ok. I am excited to be in my 30's. I feel like I am a lot smarter then I was in my 20's but still love to have fun.
I have not had an easy life either but I have made some peace with that finally.
Sometimes you don't know the reason for things happening at the time but it usually works itself out in the end. You may end up helping people who have been through similar situations as yourself, who knows?
Happy Birthday and the best of luck with everything!

Cheers, Amy x

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